THE BULLSHIT HOTLINE IS NOW OPEN!

Thank you for contacting the Department of Unsolicited Bullshit.

Are you the victim of unsolicited advice? Unprovoked stupidity? A relative who doesn’t understand the concept of minding their own fucking business?

YOU MAY BE ENTITLED TO EMOTIONAL COMPENSATION.

Unfortunately, we have no money. Or attorneys. Or any actual authority.

What we DO have is a microphone, a questionable amount of patience, and an entire department dedicated to investigating the breathtaking audacity of other human beings.

CURRENT HOLD TIMES: ZERO MINUTES.
Mainly because nobody actually works here.

To file your official complaint, complete the incident report below. Include all relevant details, witnesses, and any statements that made you question the continued survival of our species.

Your case will be reviewed by a highly unqualified investigator who may laugh, swear, and ultimately feature your story on No Hard Feelings…Kinda if you’ve given permission.

ALL COMPLAINTS ARE TAKEN SERIOUSLY.
The people responsible for them? Not so much.

PLEASE HOLD. YOUR BULLSHIT IS IMPORTANT TO US.

This hotline is not monitored by actual authorities. If you’re experiencing a real emergency, please contact someone significantly more qualified.